I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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