Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
