where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Randomize
