i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
