If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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