Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Randomize
