I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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