Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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