Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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