my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
