Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
