if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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