apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
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It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
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I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
We need to get me chipped asap
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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