I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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