it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize
