I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
