You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Randomize
