I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
