I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
i dont even know how to be here
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you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
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What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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