My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
