I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
