No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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