Swine flu is the new snow day.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
