I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
