yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
