You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
