At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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