connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
