nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
