1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Randomize
