The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Pants are for mortals
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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