Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
