Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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