Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
