Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
