my phone needs a breathalizer
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
