what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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