Soap is not a condiment
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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