My room smells like vodka and shame
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
