this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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