I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.