It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover