Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
25 People Reveal The Creepiest Kids They Went to School With
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
17 Subtle Body Language Signs That Reveal A Lot About Someone
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.