Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
