You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I look better un-naked...
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
