My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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