me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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