My balls are so social today.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
