so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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