dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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