I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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