I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize