I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
