Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
