I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I FOUND THE LEGS
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
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