Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
