just come out here and I will go home with you...
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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